Victim or Hero, You Decide

Come one, come all to the greatest blog on the earth! Well, at least the greatest blog on the block. Well, maybe not on the block, since Mrs. Nelson in 152 B just started a wonderful blog on canning over at word press. I mean really! Who can compete with canning?? I know I can’t! Even though Mrs. Nelson is attempting a minor coo in order to steal my thunder; I do feel, that what I have to say here in single parent land is important. It may not be as entertaining as learning about how to pickle okra; but if you give me just a few minutes of your precious time, I can assure you you will not be disappointed. Well, at least you will be mildly entertained and perhaps even challenged. I hope.

So, I am pretty sure that everyone who is reading this is a human being. Of course, if this is still lurking around the World Wide Web a few hundred years from now, you may just possible be something else entirely. Perhaps you are a genetically altered intelligent squirrel, or maybe a talking tree. Really, when you think about it the possibilities are endless. Either way, if you are currently not a human being you can just skip this post; but for those of us who do fall under the genus homosapien, I think we can all agree that life can sometimes be challenging. Ok, it can downright suck at times. (That’s right I used the adjective SUCK. I know, my vocabulary knows no bounds.) You see all human beings no matter their class or stature, have had to face adversity.

So, if all people equally face hardship, than what is that one undefined characteristic that all successful people have that enables them to rise above life’s challenges? Honestly, I have no idea. No really, I honestly have no idea. Wow, I guess this is going to be a short post after all. If you quickly jump on over to word press you still might be able catch Mrs. Nelson’s newest blog entry before the government shuts her down for teaching kids how to make moonshine in their bathtub. (Like she was fooling anyone with her “pickling” blog. We all knew that “pickling” was really code for distilling.)

Seriously though, why is it that some people are completely destroyed by the trails they face in life; but others, seem to rise above every challenge no matter how difficult? For every victim that life produces, there is a hero that rises as well. For every France there is a Britain. For every person who decides to roll over and die; there is a person, who stands up and says,

“Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy!” (Winston Churchill)

The reality is, those people who rise above life’s challenges, are those who choose to simply not give up. My dad always said to me when I was complaining about how hard life was, “So what is the alternative?” What he meant by that was; the only option in life other then pressing on and believing God through the struggle, was to simply lay down and die. That may seem harsh; but, there truly are no other options. Every human being who as ever lived no matter how great or small has only two options when facing hardships and trials. You can either choose to be a victim or a fighter. The situation really is as Master Yoda so eloquently stated it to be in The Empire Strikes Back, “There is either do or do not. There is no try.”

As a single parent you do not have the option to just roll over and die. Well, you actually do; but, your children will be the ones who pay the price. I know that in the new liberal world where everyone is a victim and needs a safe space this kind of thinking is heresy; but the truth is, that the only safe space from life’s trials is found through the storm. As a Christian, however, I do believe that God makes a table for me in the middle of the storm; but the truth is, that we all still need to sail on and weather the storms of life. Yes, God will give us the strength to overcome and He has promised to go with us through the storms of life; but, He never promised that He would remove them from our paths. Your children are watching you and looking to you for strength and guidance; and how you handle life’s difficulties will have a profound impact upon, not only your children’s immediate well being, but also how they will handle life as well.

You see, your children need you to be the rock and not the sand. What do I mean by that? I am referring to the parable of the two builders. One man built his house upon a rock and the other chose to build upon the sand; and when the storms of life came, the house built upon the sand was washed away by the rising tide, while the house built upon the rock withstood the storm and survived. You can make the comparison that the man who chose to build upon the rock was the man who stood his ground and fought; while the one who chose to build upon the sand, was the man who chose the path of the victim. Not only do your children need you to be a rock they can rely on; but, they also need you to be the one who teaches them to be a rock instead of sand, a hero instead of a victim.

I will leave you with a personal story; since after all, I do have a lot of failures you can learn from. For most of my life I had a victim mentality. (I know! It is hard to believe because I am just so awesome; but, just go with me for a while.) In fact, it was one of the long lists of reasons my exe cited when she chose to leave me; and if I am honest with myself, I will have to admit on this one topic she was right. Whenever life threw me even the slightest curve, I would curl up into the fetal position and cry. Well actually, I was very vocal in my protests and was quite the complainer. Honestly, it took the divorce to finally break me of that mentality. Well, it was not the divorce itself; but, my two children that finally broke me out of my lethargy. I found myself 2000 miles from home, alone and completely devastated; but, when I saw that my children where just as devastated, something inside me changed. I knew right then and there what road I had to choose. I could no longer be the victim it was time to be the hero.

Parents, single or not, it is time to rise up and be the rock your kids can rely on. It is time to throw off the dark cloak of victim hood and put on the cape of the super hero; or in my case, the green Lantern ring. You do not have the option to be the victim you must choose the road of the warrior; if not for you, than for your children. It does not matter what you have faced or how hard life has been, because there really are only two choices. Be like the man who built his house upon the rock and not the one who built upon the sand. Just as I choose not to be victimized by Mrs. Nelson and her very interesting blog; so you too, choose not to be victimized by life.

Stay in the Fight

You ever have those times where you just can't wait to see your kids? You know, those rare moments where you are not fighting the urge to smack them silly, or to bribe them with sugary goodness so they will stop screaming for a moment. Maybe you have been thinking of it all day long, like a kid waiting impatiently for Christmas morning to come. Perhaps you have been literally counting the minutes in a heightened state of frustration as time seems to stall out in front of your very eyes. The only explanation, you think to yourself, is that you have somehow gotten stuck in a temporal rift of some kind; and like the starship Enterprise, you must jettison your warp core and cause it to explode in order to free yourself from this infinite loop. As the minutes slowly slip by all you can think about are those little faces and their cherub like laughter. Maybe you have just bought your son a new baseball glove and every thought in your OCD brain is of playing catch with him after work. Perhaps you purchased a new bike for your daughter and you are just overcome with excitement as you imagine yourself running alongside her as she rides it for the first time.

 I think we can all agree, these are the moments we as parents live for. These are the rare times that make our lives worth living and give meaning to the mundane day to day existence life can seem to be for us at times. Sadly, we get so caught up in the everyday that we tend to miss out on the extraordinary that is right in front of us. These moments are the rarest and most exceptional of times that seem to pass as quickly as they come; and, you need to grab hold of them with all of your might and never let go of them. These are the moments that at first glance appear mundane and typical; but, are beyond extraordinary. These are the moments that will define not only you, but your children as well. They could be something as simple as allowing them to fall asleep on your lap when they are sick, or making a batch of cookies together that takes more time to clean up then to make. Whatever the moment it will be forever etched in the fabric of both your hearts as an intrinsic bond that can never be erased or broken.

The time has finally arrived despite Father Time’s best attempts to stop it from coming, and you rush out of work like a madman escaping an insane asylum. You ignore the rumbling in your stomach as you pass every manor of fast food establishment; there will be time to eat later after you get your babies.  The anticipation mounts and rises to fever pitch as you move closer and closer to your destination. You may be a little early, but that’s ok the kids will be excited to see you earlier than expected. You pat the glove on your seat as you turn down the street to your exe wives house. You are so focused that you do not notice the two busses and three old ladies that you ran off the road in your mad dash to get to your destination. That’s ok, they can just walk it off and they will be fine. After what seems like an eternity you finally arrive and pull up in front of the house where your children are. Excitedly you jump out of the car grabbing the small glove and ball as you do and literally bound up the steps to the front door.

Just as you reach the top step the door flies open and two little people come charging out right into your waiting arms. They are talking so fast that you cannot understand a word they are saying. Before long they are grabbing both your hands and dragging you full throttle into the garage where their mother keeps most of their outdoor toys. As you round the corner you catch a glimpse of their mother and step father; and, a site that completely and utterly shatters your heart. Before you can even assimilate the scene before you, your son is showing you his new glove that his step father just got him. Moreover, he wants to show you how he has just learned to catch a fly ball. Of course, he does not want you to throw it; no, he wants his step dad to throw the ball to him. He is so excited and you know you can not reveal how completely destroyed you are inside. In this rarest of moments that will never come again, you have become merely a spectator. You pretend that you are astounded by his athletic prowess and he explains about all of the things his step father taught him today.

Its ok, you think to yourself, there will be plenty of other moments even if this one was stolen from you. After all, you still have the bike waiting at home for your daughter; of course, that is when you hear the noise of a little bike bell chiming behind you. You are afraid to turn around; but, the little voice of your daughter is breaking through the haze. “Daddy!” she shouts excitedly, “Look at my new bike!” You compose yourself and turn just in time to see your daughter riding her little bike around the driveway in front of you. Wow, you say trying not to cry. Where did you get that? “Mommy and Phil took me to get it yesterday and Phil taught me how to ride it. Isn’t it awesome?” You nod exuberantly continuing to fight back tears. Once again a moment that should have been yours has been horribly ripped away from you by a man that should not even be involved in your children’s life.

I wish I could say this was just a story I made up for effect; but, I cannot. The truth is, all of us single dads have a story just like this one. Perhaps, like me, you have many such heart breaking moments in your life. Sadly, this, in my opinion, is the hardest most gut wrenching thing I or any other single dad will have to face. It wasn’t just about the moments that were stolen from me; no, it was the fact that there was another father figure in my kid’s life. Some other guy is going to be taking them for ice cream and to the park; and, it will be him who will be there to comfort them when they are sick because they are at their mom’s house. I so wanted to kill him. Yes folks, I actually contemplated murder and I am not afraid to admit it. Oh, don’t look at me that way, you know you have thought the same things. Of course, he was an actual stinking knight; so, I am pretty sure he would wipe the floor with me. I am not just exaggerating either. He was actually the former head knight of the Medieval Times restaurant in Chicago. Seriously folks, how do you compete with that??

I wish I could say you could just kill him and be done with it; but, it’s not legal and he may be an actual knight like my nemesis was. But you see, for all of the heart ache this will cause you, this will be the moment where you will have to decide what kind of father you are going to be. In fact, this is where the rubber meets the road for you; this is your crossroads moment. This is where you decide, not only what kind of father you will be, but what kind of man you will become as well. This is where so many well meaning men fail. Everyone knows being a parent is one of the hardest most challenging endeavors you will ever attempt; and being a single parent, is harder sill. If you decide to be dad to your children you need to prepare yourself for heartache. Sure, you can run away; many men do. It is so easy just to let the new guy have them; after all, he already has your wife why not just give up and let him have the rest of it as well. You could just run away and start over. Life would be a whole lot simpler and easier. You can leave this heartache behind, pay your child support and have your visitation rights; nd, build a new place for yourself away from the heartache and your children.

Or, you can bury your heartache, stay in the fight and be the dad your children need. No matter what you may have convinced yourself of; the truth is, your kids still need YOU. The new guy may be a great guy and he will most likely be a big part of their lives; but, he will never be YOU. Sure, the easy road has less heartache and you will get to seemingly replace the life that was stolen from you; but if you stay in the fight, than the rewards you will attain in the end will be far sweeter than any substitute ever can be. The fact is, your children will never be better off without you. You may think you are doing them a favor; but, all you will be doing in the long run is hurting them more. Trust me in this, in the end it will be worth it. If you run now, you will miss out on so many more moments then you could possibly ever imagine; but if you stay, then a lifetime of extraordinary and life changing moments await you in the guise of heartache.

The key is to let go of what you cannot change and to be there for the moments you can be. No matter how small or insignificant they may seem to you; for your children, they will be the moments they remember for the rest of their lives. How do I know this you may ask? I know this, because I stayed in the fight. I still have heartache; but, the adoration I see in my children’s eyes for simply being here is worth a thousand lifetimes of heartache. There is no substitute for that in this life. This is why Jesus stayed in the fight for us His children. Jesus looked past the pain and heartache and saw how much we needed Him; and, he was willing to stay in the fight even though it cost Him his life. Men, no matter how hard it is; I implore you, stay in the fight. Before I go, I will leave you with one of my special extraordinary and rare moments; a picture of two cards made by my sixteen year old girl and my fifteen year old boy. To them it was just a simple little thing; but to me, it will forever be one of my favorite moments.

Is the Sacrifice Worth It?

Do you ever just sit and watch your kids as they go about their daily existence? I know I have often; and, those times when my son tried to stick a knife in a wall socket or my daughter tried to fit her rather large cranium through the porch bars; I thought, "I have created morons." Oh, don't act so shocked, you know you have thought it as well. The truth is we all have. Every parent at some time or another has been sure, that if Darwin was correct, that their children were certainly doomed; and the older they get, the less common sense they seem to have. Well, don't worry parents I am here to tell you that they are doomed! DOOMED I say! No, I am just kidding; but, it certainly can feel that way at times. I won't lie, most of the time it feels like everything you say to them falls on deaf ears, and every life lesson that you so deftly educated them on has been lost in the growing abyss of their little brains. For me personally I find that the reward system seems to work the best for training my children. It’s kind of like trying to train a pet to sit, stay or poop where you want them too. Good girl Emmy, you pooped in the potty! Does Emmy want a cookie? I think doctors and psychologists have actual documentation that states, that only by bribing children with sweets and other such treats can you truly train them. My daughter actually told me the other day that she had more fun hiking with me then her mother, because I rewarded her efforts with food. She is sixteen! Let’s be honest here, we are still like that. After a long hard week at work we want to sit down and reward ourselves with an extra slice of pizza or a good movie; or, if you are a woman, a day at the spa or a Lifetime Movie marathon. Whatever your pleasure, we all still use the reward system to make the hard things in life more palatable. So, as a single parent when life becomes difficult and there are no rewards for our efforts, what do we do?



Well now, we have finally arrived at the crux of the issue, where the rubber meets the road if you will. I have known many single parents who have simply given up because they felt that the rewards they were receiving were not equal to the sacrifices they were making. Being a parent alone is one of the most difficult endeavors a person can attempt; and being a single parent, is harder still. At times life can feel like nothing more than one trial after another, yet another sacrifice and battle with no end in sight. There have been times when I have literally only eaten one small meal a day so I can make sure my children had what they needed; and I am sure you have a similar testimony. As a parent we all give up what we want and sometimes need in life so our children can have what they want and need. I would never confess that to them of course, and I will most likely find myself in the grave with my children never having truly known what I did for them. One of my favorite scenes in any movie is from the film Cinderella Man. The story takes place during the depression and the main character is a down and out boxer who is trying desperately to keep his family together. At breakfast each member of the family gets one small slice of fried baloney each and a glass of watered down milk; and, that was most likely the only meal they would have for the day. The little daughter who was about eight years old was still hungry after she finished off her portion, and tentatively asked if there was any more left. The father, who was looking at yet another day of hard labor at the docks, gave his daughter his piece, claiming that he had had a dream the night before where he ate so much that he was still full. The mother protested; but, the dad simply kissed her and went on his way. Yes, whereas the man did gain the respect and admiration of his wife; the truth is, there was no reward for his sacrifice other than knowing that his daughter was no longer hungry. In fact later on in the movie when he had fought his way back to the top of the boxing world against all odds he was asked by a journalist why he felt he would win this time around. He said, because this time he knew what he was fighting for. The journalist asked him what that was, and he said “milk”. This was a reference to an earlier scene where his wife was lamenting that they did not have any milk left and no money to buy more. You see, the reason why his rise was different this time, was because the sacrifices he was making was no longer for himself, but for his family.

One reward I have received from my sixteen years of being daddy, however, is that I have come to understand God better. You see, the bible truly is a love story; but it is not, however, just about the romance between God the bride groom and his wife the church. In fact, God and the Church is just one small part of the greater narrative of this life. The truth is that the bible is and always has been, for the most part, a story about a fathers love for his children. From creation to the fall we are given wonderful examples of how God loved us so much that he would sacrifice and make the hard choices to save us his children. In fact, God created us knowing that we had the potential to fall away; but He loved us so much, that He created us anyway. We all know how the story ends with the Father becoming flesh, and out of love, paying the ultimate price for His children. You see, we kind of miss the point when we only see Jesus as the Son of God. He was far more than that. In fact, the prophet Isaiah wrote in Isaiah 7:14: Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, A virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel. Matthew would later write that the actual interpretation of the name Emmanuel is: God with us. You see, Jesus was God. He was the father who became flesh so that he could save His children; and in some small way, we become like our Heavenly Father when we sacrifice for our children. Yes, it was a most extraordinary and difficult sacrifice Jesus paid for us His children; but if you too are a dad or mother, then you understand that God could not have chosen any other path then the cross. I have been told that you cannot not truly take care of your children unless you take care of yourself first; but that my friends, just simply is not true. In fact, Jesus proved that through his sacrifice, when he gave all asking nothing in return than simply the love of His children; and if the greatest father of all did that for His children, how then could we do any less for ours?

I have had many people tell me that they are greatly impressed that I have given up my life for my children. This statement puzzles me, as I am sure it would any parent worth their salt. I have never thought of what I have done as any great sacrifice. Sure, there have been many times, last night included, where I have felt like I have nothing in life at all to show for my sacrifices other than the sweet sound of my two children telling me they love me. I wish I could tell you that some great reward was waiting for me in this life, and that I would someday have the wife of my dreams, power and position and a rewarding six figure job for all of my efforts; but, I cannot. In fact, there is no ticker tape parade for those of us who choose to walk this road, no Stanley Cup, World Series ring or MVP trophy waiting for us at the end of the game; and at the end of the day, the only reward we may have is the love of our children. Even writing this now, I do not see the path I have walked as any great achievement. I am daddy, how could I have done anything else? How could I have walked any other road? In fact, to me at the end of the day the love of my children is worth more to me than any other reward this life has to offer me, and I am sure you can agree.

The Importance of Being Daddy

Step right up boys and girls to the greatest show in the universe; well, at least in this galaxy anyway. Well, at least on this planet. Well, at least on this block...hopefully. Of course, my next door neighbor is a very sweet old lady who likes napping, Murder She Wrote and canning; so, if she ever decided to create a blog I would most likely be the second greatest show on the block. Anyway, I would like to welcome you all, well at least one of you hopefully, to the first ever post of the "Single Dads Guide to the UNIVERSE". Before we get started I would like to first list my credentials. I currently hold multiple degrees in many different fields that uniquely qualify me to make social commentary and down right obnoxious observations about being single, raising children and life in general. First off, I hold a PHD in how to cover up carpet stains, how to forget sunscreen at the beach and in the discipline of forgetting to give your kids lunch money. (This last subject is a field I have vast amounts of experience in.) Moreover, I hold multiple Masters in embarrassing your kids, working two jobs to support your kids, figuring out how to keep POS cars running way past their expiration date. (I call them the driving dead.) and letting your kids stay up way to late on school nights. Likewise, I hold multiple BS in such areas of study as getting rejected by the girl of your dreams, having to painfully turn down women who you love as a friend but just don't feel that way about, Loneliness and burning any form of baked good. And last, but not least, I hold multiple black belts in the grace of God, the love of God, loving my Children and perseverance. Just for the record, I would also like to mention that I am also an expert in movies. comic books, Cosplay, Jedi mind tricks, anything JRR Tolkien and 80s and 90s cartoons. Now that we have gotten the formalities out of the way lets talk bout the crucial importance of holding the title of "DADDY".

I just want to start by clarifying that when I refer to the title of Daddy I am not referring to the oh so over used expression "baby daddy." I hate this term, because it cheapens the meaning of the word DADDY by lowering it to the level of simply a person who had a sexual encounter with a woman; but, has no relationship with the child that was created from his actions. Sadly, however, the world is filled with selfish men who refuse to take accountability and responsibility for their children. Honestly, I feel sorry for these misguided over grown children; because, they are missing out on the most extraordinary and fulfilling relationships they will ever have in this life. Honestly, the one great driving desire of the Creator of the Universe was to be a dad; so, that in itself displays just how important the office of Daddy really is. The definition of daddy according to Webster dictionary is to be ones father. Well now, I feel that that is a rather limited definition of a word that holds far more meaning to a child. You see, to a child a person who is a dad or a daddy is a person who they look to for more then just a house and a home. A daddy is someone that a child runs to when they have a bad dream. he is the person that they cry to when they are hurt both emotionally and physically and he is the person they fall asleep on while watching TV. Daddy is the man who carries him or her to their bed when they have fallen asleep in the car and the person who shows up to their sports games and cheers them on no matter how bad they perform. In fact, it only takes a little bit of DNA to make a man a father; but, it takes effort and sacrifice to be a daddy.

So now, why is it important for me as a man to embrace the title of daddy? Lets start out with a few statistics shall we. (I just got shivers down my spine when I typed the word "statistics" flash backs of my college days and my statistics class.) According to aboutprenting.com 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. Moreover, 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes; and, 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes. Likewise, The likelihood that a young male will engage in criminal activity doubles if he is raised without a father and triples if he lives in a neighborhood with a high concentration of single-parent families. (Source: A. Anne Hill, June O'Neill, Underclass Behaviors in the United States, CUNY, Baruch College. 1993). These are just a few of the proven complications that arise in children when they are raised without a present and active father. These stats in themselves should express to any father the importance of being involved in their child's life; but, what about the psychological effects that a child can have when their father is not active and present in their lives. Whereas, a child not growing up knowing the importance of Star Wars or comic books is an important problem that generally arises from the lack of a daddy; I am referring rather, to such problems as low self esteem and feelings of abandonment and worthlessness. Wait a minute now! Isn't my job as a father to teach my kids to be self reliant and tuff. After all, I don't want my boy to turn out to be a wuss right? I'm glad you asked that question; because, it hints at, in my mind, one of the greatest misnomers in parenting. Yes, you should teach your children to be responsible and self reliant; but, you should also teach them that there are people they can rely on and trust. You see, you as a dad are one of the first persons to teach a child this lesson; so if they can not trust you to love them and keep them safe, than they will grow up as untrusting and fearful people. Yes, they will hopefully overcome the problems that arise from the lack of having a father in their lives; but, it will be a long hard road for them. Trust me, I spent a great amount of my life as a youth leader repairing the damage that absent fathers have done to their children. Also, its a proven fact that children who grow up without a dad, are not exposed to such important life lessons as: the difference between a Jedi and a Sith, which world is better DC or Marvel, how to kick a bully in the nuts and proper video game edict; and, we all understand just how important these life lessons are.

Moreover, one of the first lessons children learn about God they receive from their father. In fact, what a child thinks about God is generally directly proportional to their relationship with their father. When I went through my divorce I desperately wanted to run away and go home. I wanted to go hide under a rock and close my eyes until the pain went away. I wish I could say it was my amazing character and unending strength that prevented me from doing just that; but, in reality I was completely and utterly destroyed inside and had no strength left in me. The one thing that kept me getting up day in and day out, was the grace of God and the faces of my two children. I knew that if I ran away and abandoned them; then whenever life got tuff for them, that is exactly what they would expect God to do. How could they trust God as a loving father who would never leave them or forsake them; if the man who represented the father heart of God in the physical realm, ran and left them when the road became difficult. This is the one thing that dragged my sorry butt out of bed day after day. It was this one thing that made me try again and again no matter how many times I failed; and, it is this one driving force that God gave me the grace to accomplish. I am not a perfect father and neither are you; but, we can be the dad that never gives up and shows our kids just how much we love them by our commitment and actions not just in lip service. Men, being DAD is the most important title you will ever hold in this life; seconded, only by the title of HUSBAND. Sure, being President of these United States would be pretty cool and I would love to pitch for the New Your Mets; but even if I do accomplish these great feats, they would never compare to the awesome responsibility of being given the gift of the title of Daddy. After all there is no greater title a man can hold. (Of course, if I was cast as Cable in the upcoming Deadpool 2 movie it would come pretty close.)