Stay in the Fight

You ever have those times where you just can't wait to see your kids? You know, those rare moments where you are not fighting the urge to smack them silly, or to bribe them with sugary goodness so they will stop screaming for a moment. Maybe you have been thinking of it all day long, like a kid waiting impatiently for Christmas morning to come. Perhaps you have been literally counting the minutes in a heightened state of frustration as time seems to stall out in front of your very eyes. The only explanation, you think to yourself, is that you have somehow gotten stuck in a temporal rift of some kind; and like the starship Enterprise, you must jettison your warp core and cause it to explode in order to free yourself from this infinite loop. As the minutes slowly slip by all you can think about are those little faces and their cherub like laughter. Maybe you have just bought your son a new baseball glove and every thought in your OCD brain is of playing catch with him after work. Perhaps you purchased a new bike for your daughter and you are just overcome with excitement as you imagine yourself running alongside her as she rides it for the first time.

 I think we can all agree, these are the moments we as parents live for. These are the rare times that make our lives worth living and give meaning to the mundane day to day existence life can seem to be for us at times. Sadly, we get so caught up in the everyday that we tend to miss out on the extraordinary that is right in front of us. These moments are the rarest and most exceptional of times that seem to pass as quickly as they come; and, you need to grab hold of them with all of your might and never let go of them. These are the moments that at first glance appear mundane and typical; but, are beyond extraordinary. These are the moments that will define not only you, but your children as well. They could be something as simple as allowing them to fall asleep on your lap when they are sick, or making a batch of cookies together that takes more time to clean up then to make. Whatever the moment it will be forever etched in the fabric of both your hearts as an intrinsic bond that can never be erased or broken.

The time has finally arrived despite Father Time’s best attempts to stop it from coming, and you rush out of work like a madman escaping an insane asylum. You ignore the rumbling in your stomach as you pass every manor of fast food establishment; there will be time to eat later after you get your babies.  The anticipation mounts and rises to fever pitch as you move closer and closer to your destination. You may be a little early, but that’s ok the kids will be excited to see you earlier than expected. You pat the glove on your seat as you turn down the street to your exe wives house. You are so focused that you do not notice the two busses and three old ladies that you ran off the road in your mad dash to get to your destination. That’s ok, they can just walk it off and they will be fine. After what seems like an eternity you finally arrive and pull up in front of the house where your children are. Excitedly you jump out of the car grabbing the small glove and ball as you do and literally bound up the steps to the front door.

Just as you reach the top step the door flies open and two little people come charging out right into your waiting arms. They are talking so fast that you cannot understand a word they are saying. Before long they are grabbing both your hands and dragging you full throttle into the garage where their mother keeps most of their outdoor toys. As you round the corner you catch a glimpse of their mother and step father; and, a site that completely and utterly shatters your heart. Before you can even assimilate the scene before you, your son is showing you his new glove that his step father just got him. Moreover, he wants to show you how he has just learned to catch a fly ball. Of course, he does not want you to throw it; no, he wants his step dad to throw the ball to him. He is so excited and you know you can not reveal how completely destroyed you are inside. In this rarest of moments that will never come again, you have become merely a spectator. You pretend that you are astounded by his athletic prowess and he explains about all of the things his step father taught him today.

Its ok, you think to yourself, there will be plenty of other moments even if this one was stolen from you. After all, you still have the bike waiting at home for your daughter; of course, that is when you hear the noise of a little bike bell chiming behind you. You are afraid to turn around; but, the little voice of your daughter is breaking through the haze. “Daddy!” she shouts excitedly, “Look at my new bike!” You compose yourself and turn just in time to see your daughter riding her little bike around the driveway in front of you. Wow, you say trying not to cry. Where did you get that? “Mommy and Phil took me to get it yesterday and Phil taught me how to ride it. Isn’t it awesome?” You nod exuberantly continuing to fight back tears. Once again a moment that should have been yours has been horribly ripped away from you by a man that should not even be involved in your children’s life.

I wish I could say this was just a story I made up for effect; but, I cannot. The truth is, all of us single dads have a story just like this one. Perhaps, like me, you have many such heart breaking moments in your life. Sadly, this, in my opinion, is the hardest most gut wrenching thing I or any other single dad will have to face. It wasn’t just about the moments that were stolen from me; no, it was the fact that there was another father figure in my kid’s life. Some other guy is going to be taking them for ice cream and to the park; and, it will be him who will be there to comfort them when they are sick because they are at their mom’s house. I so wanted to kill him. Yes folks, I actually contemplated murder and I am not afraid to admit it. Oh, don’t look at me that way, you know you have thought the same things. Of course, he was an actual stinking knight; so, I am pretty sure he would wipe the floor with me. I am not just exaggerating either. He was actually the former head knight of the Medieval Times restaurant in Chicago. Seriously folks, how do you compete with that??

I wish I could say you could just kill him and be done with it; but, it’s not legal and he may be an actual knight like my nemesis was. But you see, for all of the heart ache this will cause you, this will be the moment where you will have to decide what kind of father you are going to be. In fact, this is where the rubber meets the road for you; this is your crossroads moment. This is where you decide, not only what kind of father you will be, but what kind of man you will become as well. This is where so many well meaning men fail. Everyone knows being a parent is one of the hardest most challenging endeavors you will ever attempt; and being a single parent, is harder sill. If you decide to be dad to your children you need to prepare yourself for heartache. Sure, you can run away; many men do. It is so easy just to let the new guy have them; after all, he already has your wife why not just give up and let him have the rest of it as well. You could just run away and start over. Life would be a whole lot simpler and easier. You can leave this heartache behind, pay your child support and have your visitation rights; nd, build a new place for yourself away from the heartache and your children.

Or, you can bury your heartache, stay in the fight and be the dad your children need. No matter what you may have convinced yourself of; the truth is, your kids still need YOU. The new guy may be a great guy and he will most likely be a big part of their lives; but, he will never be YOU. Sure, the easy road has less heartache and you will get to seemingly replace the life that was stolen from you; but if you stay in the fight, than the rewards you will attain in the end will be far sweeter than any substitute ever can be. The fact is, your children will never be better off without you. You may think you are doing them a favor; but, all you will be doing in the long run is hurting them more. Trust me in this, in the end it will be worth it. If you run now, you will miss out on so many more moments then you could possibly ever imagine; but if you stay, then a lifetime of extraordinary and life changing moments await you in the guise of heartache.

The key is to let go of what you cannot change and to be there for the moments you can be. No matter how small or insignificant they may seem to you; for your children, they will be the moments they remember for the rest of their lives. How do I know this you may ask? I know this, because I stayed in the fight. I still have heartache; but, the adoration I see in my children’s eyes for simply being here is worth a thousand lifetimes of heartache. There is no substitute for that in this life. This is why Jesus stayed in the fight for us His children. Jesus looked past the pain and heartache and saw how much we needed Him; and, he was willing to stay in the fight even though it cost Him his life. Men, no matter how hard it is; I implore you, stay in the fight. Before I go, I will leave you with one of my special extraordinary and rare moments; a picture of two cards made by my sixteen year old girl and my fifteen year old boy. To them it was just a simple little thing; but to me, it will forever be one of my favorite moments.